SoRy I

The Place Where You Were

I was always chasing after you, and until today, I am still doing so. I wonder, if I will ever be where you are standing, if I will ever be ahead of you.

I met you 7 years ago. Ahh, what a long time it had been. We were of the same age, and in the class where we met, we were surprised that there was another person as young as ourselves.

We met in the classroom, at the night class of a university. Full-time students attended the day classes, where they could fully concentrate on their studies. For those of us who were working, we could only go at night, at a time slot specially catered for us.

And in that class full of people who had long stepped out into society, we were the odd ones out. For people of our age usually attended the full time day classes, and people who went for the night classes were those who had postponed their education for a certain period of time.

I asked you how old you were, and you told me. I was so surprised, but I never told you I thought you were older. I was sure, you felt the same way as me. Perhaps we were the only 2 of the same age, that was why we got along well. And perhaps because of that, we were each other’s only friend in that class. Not that other people were unwilling to befriend us. It was just that, after a whole day at work, people were just quietly listening to class, with no extra energy for socializing.

We were earning a very low salary then. We had stepped out into society a bit earlier than the others, and had not accomplished anything.

I remembered the times when we would always come to class late. We were never early due to work. And I remembered ‘collapsing’ on the table from exhaustion. You would come in to class later than me, and then you would ask, ‘Want to go buy coffee?’ But when I said no, you would give me your death stare and said, ‘Accompany me.’

You would always scribble on my lecture notes when you wanted to talk to me, and I would do that on mine in reply. Because you would draw rubbish on my notes if I scribbled on yours. But even when I did not scribble on your papers, you would still doodle your supposedly cute drawings on mine. And as I flipped through the notes during exams, all the memories came back. I was thankful for those memories on the paper. But I wonder, if you still remembered all the little little memories, since you practically had no such records on your notes?

You called me out one day suddenly, for you were troubled by your relationship problems. Seeing your troubled face, I wonder, who was luckier? You who had someone you cared enough to be troubled, or me who had no one? In terms of romantic relationship, you were a step ahead of me. Not that I was competing with you.

You happily dragged me out for dinner, telling me you got a new job. I was happy for you of course, for this new job would be paid higher. As for me, I was still stuck at my current situation. You gave me the motivation to strive harder towards a better place.

I worked harder, and tried to improve my situation, to go to where you were. We are of the same age, of the same course in school. At least, I must have the same earning power as you. But due to circumstances, I remained where I was for quite a while. And as I finally got a new job, you happily told me too that you changed yet again, to an even higher place.

I was happy for you, of course. But at the same time, I began to wonder, since when, have you ran so far ahead?

I never intended to compete with you, for you are my only friend in the school. But perhaps, precisely because you are my only friend, that I want to be with you where you were, perhaps maybe to be ahead of you, and telling you, ‘Come! Come to where I am, and let’s advance together!’

I got attached to someone, and just like how you were years ago with your face full of troubles, mine was no fairytale either. No relationship is smooth all the way, but perhaps, just like yours, mine was extremely dramatic.

You went on ahead and got married, having solved the problems which stood in your way during your dating years. As for me, watching you get married, I wondered, when would it be my turn? Mine had failed. And I knew, years ago, back in your own room, you had cried yourself to sleep every night.

We knew each other on equal grounds. Since when, have you advanced so far ahead? So far I could only run at my best and try to catch up to you. You never mentioned the difference between us, telling me that one day, I will be where you are, and further ahead.

I could tell you were sincere in saying that. But I wonder, how long would I take to do so?

As life got busier, for a long time I had not heard you say, ‘Hey are you free? I’m bored! Come out and watch a movie!’

Calling me out like you are my boss with no fear that it may trouble me, that was how deep our bond was. That when you were bored, out of all your friends, you chose me. But sometimes, you were too engrossed in your own work, that slowly, you neglected those around you.

But perhaps precisely because of that, I knew you were getting further ahead of me, as if running to a place where I could not catch up.

I wonder, why am I always chasing after you? Out of so many people, why you? Was it because you were my only friend in school? Or was it because we started off the same level?

Along this path of life, I stood at my place, watching the people in front, hoping to get to where everyone was. But at the same time, I looked back and realized, even more people were looking at me, hoping to get to where I was. Was I greedy, never being contended with what I have? I did not know. All I knew was, I really wanted to get to where you were, despite you telling me that I already did better than most of my peers.

As I looked back, I realized. 7 years ago, we started off equal. Yet somehow 3 years ago, I was at where you were 5 years back. And 2 years back in time, I was standing at the spot where you were 4 years ago. And this year, I was at where you were 2 years ago. As time went by, I was, and am standing at the place where I used to look at. I am standing at the place where you were, the very place where I used to look forward to. Yet why, when I reached the spot I aimed for, I was not satisfied?

Probably, it was because I knew by the time I reached my goal, you had already moved further on. Be it in terms of career or love life, in terms of the stages of life we went through or the other little little things in life, you were always ahead.

But, my friend, don’t you think you are a bit too much now? You actually went to another place where I cannot follow, where I cannot go. I do not know if heaven is a beautiful place or not, for I have never been there before. All I heard was, it is an amazing place. As I was catching up to you bit by bit, you actually sealed your victory by moving to a place where I can never hope to go as long as I am here.

No matter how far I run ahead now, you will always be in front of me. You are just like some lame joker in some cheapskate movie, where the winner decided to stop so that the loser will never be able to claim a victory in the future, and in turn sealed his or her victory forever.

As of now I am behind you, and with you leaving so suddenly just like that, doesn’t it mean that I will be forever behind you? Because no matter how successful I will be, I will always think: What if you are still around, will you still be standing in front of me?

My friend, this is not the way to claim victory. Didn’t you say you wanted to have 2 kids? Didn’t you say to me that if I grow old and still had no partner (aren’t you a bit ‘evil’ in saying that?), you will come and accompany me for dinner? Didn’t you say to me, if I grow old and got Alzheimer disease (seriously why do you always say such bad things?) and forgot everyone else, you will still come and talk to me? And lastly, didn’t you say that if I am still all alone when I died, you will at least come to my funeral (how on earth did you come to the conclusion that you will live longer than me anyway?)?

But right now, how I missed those words of yours. You are supposed to attend my funeral, not me attending yours. Back in that hospital room, no matter how much I called you to wake up, you simply refused to open your eyes. Hey friend, just because you are ahead of me, have you decided not to talk to me anymore? Just because you are ahead of me, how can you decide to abandon this friend of yours?

Just like years ago when I was forced to stand where I was for 2 years while I saw you move ahead, now this time I am forced to stay here for a while more. I wonder, over there where you were, will it be any different from here? If I go to where you are years later, will you still be at a place where I can see you? Or will you run so far I can no longer catch up to you anymore? Or perhaps friend, you will wait patiently for me?

I don’t know what to give you, except for this pile of lecture notes we once stared at so many years ago, with all the scribbling and doodling. Seriously, how on earth did you expect me to study when my notes were so full of your nonsense? But as you go, hopefully, the things in this pile of notes will bring back your memories, those little memories which I am sure you had forgotten along the way.

I will remain here for a while more, unable to catch up to you anytime soon (probably). But as you are over there, do not forget this friend of yours. I will make you pay me back one day for refusing to talk to me when I called your name, for refusing to open your eyes to look at me when I was beside you, for leaving me behind and going to a far far away place, a place where I could not go. And if over there, there are still lecture notes, I don’t care anymore. I will vandalise your papers so thoroughly you cannot read them anymore.

Goodbye my friend. See you again when the time comes.